Just Let Go.

 

What you run from only stays with you longer. When you fight something, you only make it stronger. 

—Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.

—Michael J. Fox

💗

If you spend a lot of time at the ocean like our family does, you know the rules of rip currents like you know your own name. 

The fundamental truths of surviving a rip current are simple. 

Relax. 

Don't fight the current. Work with it. 

Be carried out to sea until you can swim parallel to the coastline.

Eventually, you will be led beyond the rip current's pull and reach a new current that will allow you to swim at an angle toward the shore.  

When we deeply understand how currents work, we instinctively move with the ocean, in accordance with its laws. We trust the predictability of the ebbs and flows. In the absence of fighting, we are carried. We are nudged back to the safety of the shore. 

Last year, I learned that skydiving works in much the same way.

I had the honor of skydiving with the Army Golden Knights. Much of my training leading up to my jump had to do with trusting and surrendering. I was told to tilt my head back, lean into the safety and security of my tandem jumper, and just let go. 

Just. Let. Go.

In the moment that I stood at the edge of our plane 13,500 feet above the Earth, my mind raced. It scrambled for a sense of control. It demanded that I do something to ensure my own safe return home. But beyond my mind's demands, there was a knowing that I was held. I was deeply safe. As my instructor and I descended to the ground below, I was filled with the excitement and giddiness of a child. 

Somehow, deep down, we all know that life tends to go more smoothly when we are not in resistance to it; when we are in flow with it. 

When we understand that each moment is here to be seen, we naturally let go of our need to control, manage, and figure it out. In the letting go, we are guided to the current that makes the most sense. We respond to each moment from a foundation of peace and security rather than from fear and judgment. Possibilities we had never considered suddenly present themselves from this space. 

In the spirit of letting go, I'd like to propose a little game. 

Think of a dramatic thought or story that your mind loves to play on repeat.  

You know the thoughts I'm talking about; the ones that say, "I should be doing better by now" and "I never should have done or said that thing" or "If only I had a different job/spouse/body/lifestyle, I would be better off" or "If only that person hadn't done that thing to me..." Or my absolute favorite: "This shouldn't be happening."

Got one? OK. Do you feel the thought in your body? Maybe it's in the form of tension, a stomach ache, or a racing heart. We feel the thoughts that seem true to us. What a brilliant design!

If you're a normal human being, your mind is probably saying, "Make it go away, now. It's uncomfortable. Seriously, it's been here long enough, now!" And in real life, if this wasn't a game, we might grab an alcoholic drink, scroll through our social media feed, or attempt to find a happy, positive thought to mask the icky one. And all of these things would make PERFECT SENSE. After all, we have had a lifetime of conditioning that tells us to avoid discomfort. Swim against the rip current. Fight the tandem jumper for control. 

But, for the sake of the game, let's do something different. Let's swim with the current. Let's imagine that the story—the one that tends to come up the most often—is made of same intelligent energy of the ocean.

As energy, your story simply wants to move through you and be on its way. But, as a normal human being, you have learned to hold onto, attach yourself to, and replay the story again and again. The story looks real, solid, stable, and true. So you stare at it. You shower it with attention. Then, you think of ways to subdue it, numb it, and distract yourself from it. You try in vain to control it. As a result, it can't move on through. 

This time, instead of stopping the flow of energy, allow your story to come all the way to the sunlight to be seen. Really seen. After all, it is energy—Life intelligence. It is not the scary thing your mind has made it out to be for all these months, years, or decades. It is coming up again and again so that it can finally move through. 

So, draw it closer. Pick it up and hold it the way you'd pick up a crying toddler to comfort her. See if you can let go of the need to change or modify the story. It's energy—it will move and change on its own, by design. It does not need a "positive-thought sticker" slapped on top of it. 

If discomfort arises in the body, just notice it. There is no need to form an attachment to it. Those sensations do not belong to you. They're not yours. Just watch them rise and fall, ebb and flow. Leave them alone and just notice them. 

As you spend more time playing the game of working with rather than against your stories, they will begin to lose their grip. The energy will move through you. 

In the absence of resisting your stories, THEY will let YOU go. 💗

If you'd like to watch the video of my Golden Knights experience, click here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkPW08qoo1w

I hope you'll join me in September to discuss the stories behind the blog posts. Details about a fun and engaging zoom meet-up coming soon. 

How Do We See Who We Really Are?

 

In the external scheme of things, shining moments are as brief as the twinkling of an eye; yet such twinklings are what eternity is made of—moments when we human beings can say, 'I love you,' 'I'm proud of you,' 'I forgive you,' and 'I'm grateful for you.' That's what eternity is made of: invisible, imperishable good stuff. 

—Fred Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers

We must not let ourselves be diverted from the truth by the strangeness of appearances. A fact is a fact even though it may upset our conception of the universe, for our conception of the universe is terribly infantile. 

—Charles Richet, 1913 Nobel Prize Winner for Physiology and Medicine

Years ago, I used to get such a kick out of watching people stare at those Magic Eye posters in the mall.  They would just stand there in front of them, trying as hard as they could to see the hidden images among the millions of squiggly lines and dots. 

And then... out of nowhere...their face would suddenly light up. They would smile. And I would know that they had finally SEEN it. It was magical.

Who knows why it took some people two minutes and others an hour for the image to "pop" for them. But the reaction was always the same. 

Delight. Joy. Awe. Amazement. 

The tension that had been building in their bodies for two or sixty minutes would suddenly release. There would be an exhale of triumph. 

"There it is! Right there!"

There were always those who wanted to know HOW to see the hidden images. They wanted to know specific techniques. Some would look slightly away from the poster while others would let their eyes get a little blurry.

But, in the end, there was no "how" to make the image show itself. It was seen when it was seen; often as soon as the person  gave up trying so hard. 

That's kind of how it goes when my clients and I talk about who-we-are beyond our mind's stories. 

In the beginning, most of my clients simply want to know HOW to see this. 

And, just like the Magic Eye posters, there is no solid, concrete "how." (And the mind HATES that!)

But there are some things that seem to make the journey to rediscovering who-you-are a little simpler and more enjoyable. 

First, it really helps to be curious and inquisitive, like a child or an anthropologist. When we look at conditioned thoughts and beliefs, we look at them with a beginner's mind, as if we honestly have NO idea if they're true or real. 

Second, it's incredibly beneficial to just play with the ideas of who-you-are beyond old stories and limiting beliefs. My clients and I play "what-if" games every week. We ask things like, "What if that thing you call a trigger is actually your greatest teacher?" and "What if that physical symptom you hate is the very thing that will walk you home to the truth of who-you-are?" By playing games and asking what-if questions, we allow for never-before-seen possibilities to show up. We become vast open spaces for brand new insights to appear.

Finally, it's helpful to be willing to be dead wrong. This may sound crazy and counterproductive. But it's a game-changer. My brilliant mentor, Dr. Amy Johnson, PhD, first introduced this idea to me. She said, "You don't need to believe anything I say. Just be open to the idea that what your mind is telling you is dead wrong." 

As my wise friend Carl Frazier said this year on Easter Sunday, "I am not asking you to believe. I am asking you to consider suspending your disbelief for a moment."

As you consider who-you-are beyond your labels and stories, be curious and playful. Be willing to be dead wrong. And consider suspending your disbelief for just a moment.

When you see....really SEE...what's there beyond your intellect's limited version of you, it will be like seeing that hidden image in the Magic Eye poster. Only a million times better. 

**Coming in September**

Have you been wanting to find out what all of this is about? Do you have specific questions about any of the blog posts? In September, I will be hosting a zoom call to dive a little more deeply into what is being pointed to here in this blog. I hope you'll join me!

The Physical Sensations of Overwhelm

 

Apple Fritters at Back Door Donuts

"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."

—Mark Twain

One of my favorite things about going on vacation is the anticipation of it. Right now, our family is just weeks away from heading back to our most cherished summer get-away in Martha's Vineyard. I have already spent countless hours lost in imagination, daydreaming of hot apple fritters at Back Door Donuts, sunsets at Menemsha Beach, and lazy strolls down Circuit Avenue with Mocha Motts coffee in my hand. 

It is such a gift to be able to fully experience these kinds of imagined scenarios as if they were really happening. Somehow, it seems to prolong the joy of the actual vacation. 

But what if my imagination is out of focus and, instead, the imagined scenario is scary or overwhelming? No one wants to experience those things as if they're really happening.  

And yet, we do.

We feel those out-of-focus imagined scenarios as physical sensations in our body. We've been taught to call them things like "stress-induced" tension, tightness, stomach aches, or even pain.

But what if those things are actually part of the kindness of our design?

For a very long season, my imagination ran wild with stories of overwhelm. The stories involved urgent, high-stakes scenarios that looked very real and true. My mind would say things like, "I've GOT to get this done. There is so much riding on this. Oh, God! Who am I kidding? There are not enough hours in the day. I'm not sure I can handle it." 

In the midst of my mind's stories, I would notice an uncomfortable tightness growing throughout my chest and neck, often accompanied by elevated blood pressure and a racing heart. Since I hated those symptoms, I added them to my list of things to work on and figure out. 

It was explained to me that the stories of overwhelm and the intense physical sensations were signs that I had too much on my plate, and that I needed to do a better job setting boundaries and saying no. OR, that I needed to do a better job managing those damn imagined stories in the first place! 

But, something seemed very off about that explanation.

I was curious about the fact that all imaginations are prone to dramatic, intense stories, AND there are millions of people who accomplish far more than I do without any sign of stress or overwhelm. Something didn't add up. What was different for them?

I set out to learn more about these people who are able to achieve great things while living with great ease. As it turns out, they have a few things in common.

First, they don't waste energy trying to figure out or manage the imaginary stories that involve scary or overwhelming themes. Even the shitty stories are just noticed. There is no attempt to modify or rationalize them. There is a simple understanding that all stories are safe, transient, and inherently neutral. These amazing groups of relaxed, productive people don't TRY to leave their stories alone—they just know it makes no sense to get involved. 

Second, they aren't obsessed with themselves or how they're doing, feeling, or measuring up. They don't view the world through a distorted me-centered lens. They know that they are part of something much larger than themselves. They are inextricably linked with an intangible, universal intelligence beyond what they can see, hear, or touch. As such, they know that they are held, carried, and guided.  

Third, they see that, at various points throughout life, every human will experience the things we call joy, grief, excitement, devastation, hope, failure, triumph, and humiliation. Since this is a given, they don't waste a single ounce of energy trying to hold any experience at bay. 

After all, all experience is simply Life arising in the moment. The people who live with the greatest ease seem to meet each experience as it unfolds, knowing that they are part of the unfolding. Experience is not separate from them or happening to them. It simply is. And it needs no management or figuring out. 

Finally, the people who live with the greatest sense of ease seem to know that the mind's ideas about what should and shouldn't be happening are incredibly biased and limited. So they don't hang their hat on outcomes. They do the very best they can in any situation, of course. But, then they release the outcomes to that same intangible yet trustworthy universal intelligence that is beyond their intellect's grasp. 

Identifying with out-of-focus stories such as, "I can't handle it," "It's too much," or "It's all on me" is SUPPOSED to feel awful. (Read that again)

If it didn't, what incentive would there be to wake up to the lies being believed?

Imagine if it felt GREAT to believe, "I can't cope" or "It's all on me to get this right."  You'd be compelled to stay stuck in that distorted reality indefinitely. 

Life is so much wiser and kinder than to allow you to identify with the scary, overwhelming stories in your imagination. It will always do its best to wake you up. It will arise as something you call a racing heart, a knot in your stomach, a pain in the base of your throat, a tension in your head and neck, or a myriad of other brilliant, perfectly-tailored sensations.

As bodily sensations are seen for the gifts they are, there will no longer be a need to fight them, manage them, or figure them out. 

 You are free from those chains. 

In the absence of managing and controlling, ease is revealed. It was there all along, just waiting for old, worn-out beliefs and concepts to fall away. 

From a place of ease, Life can look like absolutely anything. It can look like pulling all-nighters to seal a deal at work, or it can look like quitting work altogether to spend more time in the garden. It can look like hiring a personal assistant to give you more time to relax, or it can look like going back to school while keeping a full-time job and running the PTA.

Ease gets to look like anything because it's who-we-are when we're not identified with out-of-focus stories playing in our imagination. 

Imagination is a gift. We get to relish it, swim around in it, and savor it. 

And when it falls out-of-focus (which it will), the intelligence of those brilliant sensations and symptoms will wake us up and walk us back home to ease. 

Ease is our natural design.